Listening and Letting Go: A Parent’s Path to Understanding Emily

December 7, 2023

Emily is a child who suffers from mild depression.
Her mother brought her to me,
hoping I could help.

Emily told me that she hadn’t slept for more than a month.
However, her mother looked surprised
and thought Emily was lying to avoid going to school.

Every time Emily talked to her mother on the phone,
she always told her mother that she was fine and had no problems.

But when Emily mentioned her experience of being isolated at school,
her mother blamed her for not telling them earlier.
Emily’s tears came out, she said she had told them,
but they never cared.

Whenever Emily complained about insomnia,
Her mother always thought she was lying,
“Isn’t it because you play with your phone until midnight?”

Even once,
Emily just sighed at the dinner table
and said “I’m so anxious”,
Her parents didn’t care why she was anxious,
but interrupted her directly:
“We have to work and earn money to support the family,
are we anxious?”

Slowly, Emily would rather only tell good news,
and had no courage to reveal her fragile and negative emotions.
I believe this is the common mentality of many children
who only report good news.

Psychoanalysis believes that parents
have the function of “emotional container” for children,
especially negative emotions.
When children experience something bad,
and generate bad emotions,
they will seek their parents’ company and support as soon as possible.
If parents can understand them,
then children will also accumulate the ability and courage
to face the difficulties in life.

But if parents always reject children,
or even question,
judge or compare their misery with children,
children will find it hard to trust their parents again.
But those negative emotions and thoughts will not digest themselves,
but will accumulate in the children’s hearts,
and eventually become the source of many psychological diseases.

We parents need to practice two actions: let go and listen.
Let go of those preconceived ideas, presets, labels
and the idea that “children must do what I say”.
And “listening” is a more painstaking but also more worthwhile thing.

For example, Emily’s mother,
I guide her to do a few deep breathing exercises

Exhale：imagine exhaling all the thoughts of wanting to judge in your mind;

Inhale: imagine inhaling the attention to your daughter.

This imagery exercise made her gradually
learn to listen to her daughter’s troubles.